A Singh, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
'It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.'
The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:
'Please tie a pillow to my back.'
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: 'Please fix two pillows to my back.'
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
The Singh was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
'You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!'
'Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,' Singh replied.
'In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.'
'Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.' The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
'If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.' And what is your second wish?' the Sheik asked.
Singh smiled and said, 'Tie the Pakistani to my back' !!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
FBI Recruitment
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"
"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"
"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
Friday, July 30, 2010
Artificial Insemination
During a moment of brilliance, a man buys several sheep in hopes of breeding them for wool. He figured it'd be an excellent way to make some extra money. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him he should try artificial insemination.
Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has s3x with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't work, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has s3x with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't work, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Smart Child
A first grade teacher, Ms Neelam, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?" The Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he is to go back to the first grade and behave. Ms Neelam agreed. The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him. The Boy agreed to take the test.
Principal : What is 3 x 3?
Boy : 9
Principal : What is 6 x 6?
Boy : 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at Ms Neelam and told her: "I think the Boy can go to the third grade." Ms Neelam asked the principal if she can ask the Boy some of her own questions. Both the principal and the Boy agreed.
Ms Neelam : What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy : Legs!
Ms Neelam : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy : Pockets!
Ms Neelam : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains Thin whitish liquid?
Boy : Coconut!
Ms Neelam : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.
Boy : Bubblegum!
Ms Neelam : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy : Shake hands
Ms Neelam : Now I will ask some, "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep!
Ms Neelam : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent
Ms Neelam : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always have me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tensed and took one large sip of Vodka peg.
Boy : Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose
Ms Neelam : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" and if u dont get it u have to use ur hand?
Boy : Fork!
Ms Neelam : What is it that all men have one, it is longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy : SURNAME!
Ms Neelam : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?
Boy : HEART!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to College! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he is to go back to the first grade and behave. Ms Neelam agreed. The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him. The Boy agreed to take the test.
Principal : What is 3 x 3?
Boy : 9
Principal : What is 6 x 6?
Boy : 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at Ms Neelam and told her: "I think the Boy can go to the third grade." Ms Neelam asked the principal if she can ask the Boy some of her own questions. Both the principal and the Boy agreed.
Ms Neelam : What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy : Legs!
Ms Neelam : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy : Pockets!
Ms Neelam : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains Thin whitish liquid?
Boy : Coconut!
Ms Neelam : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.
Boy : Bubblegum!
Ms Neelam : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy : Shake hands
Ms Neelam : Now I will ask some, "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep!
Ms Neelam : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent
Ms Neelam : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always have me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tensed and took one large sip of Vodka peg.
Boy : Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose
Ms Neelam : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" and if u dont get it u have to use ur hand?
Boy : Fork!
Ms Neelam : What is it that all men have one, it is longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy : SURNAME!
Ms Neelam : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?
Boy : HEART!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to College! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Friday, July 23, 2010
How The Chinese Stay Put In Italy?
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy... Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community, so the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.
Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.
Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay..."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened?.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do????"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well", said Ah Pek. "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving.
Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here.
"Yes, and then???", asked the crowd.
"I don't know...", said Ah Pek. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!!"
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.
Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.
Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay..."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened?.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do????"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well", said Ah Pek. "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving.
Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here.
"Yes, and then???", asked the crowd.
"I don't know...", said Ah Pek. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!!"
Three Kick Rule!
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it..."
The old farmer, Peter, replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping the cow dung off his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)...
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
MORAL OF THE STORY?
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half to believe in.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it..."
The old farmer, Peter, replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping the cow dung off his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)...
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
MORAL OF THE STORY?
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half to believe in.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Missing Cock
The priest in a small Irish village loved a rooster and ten hens that he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock (rooster) was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted!...
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock (rooster) was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.'
'Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted!...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
British English vs. Malaysian English
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No need lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU..
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
So which would you prefer? Send this to your Malaysian friends and let them have a laugh too. Good day!
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No need lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU..
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
So which would you prefer? Send this to your Malaysian friends and let them have a laugh too. Good day!
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